Federal Bread Activity Log
Public Notice — February 2026
Feeding bread to a registered Kevin without logging the event is a violation. Sourdough and pumpernickel must be logged separately. Brioche remains under review (and yes, we can tell; the crumbs have a distinct smugness). Please allow 5–7 business days for the Portal to recognize you have always been the Portal’s user.
The following is the official log of all documented bread consumption events by federally registered Kevins in the Eastern Flyway Division. All entries are filed by certified NRDNK Field Agents or through the Civilian Bread Reporting Portal (CBRP). Entries are reviewed for accuracy within 30–60 business days of submission, depending on staffing, weather, and whether the Portal remembers your password.
The Registry is required by the Waterfowl Nutritional Transparency Act of 2011 to maintain a public record of all bread events. We take no position on bread, only on recordkeeping and the quiet thrill of compliance.
Data Disclaimer
These records represent only reported bread events. The NRDNK acknowledges that significant quantities of unreported bread may have been consumed. We are doing our best. The ducks are not cooperating with audits, and the audits are not cooperating with our scheduling software.
Recent Entries — February 2026
KV-0042 (Kevin, Mallard) — Consumed approximately 40g of sourdough bread, torn into irregular pieces and scattered on the water surface by a tourist in a Columbia jacket. Kevin approached methodically from the northeast. Ate with purpose. No other ducks named Kevin were present to contest the bread. Sourdough Logged
KV-0089 (Kevin, Pekin Duck) — Accepted approximately 25g of plain white bread from a child, age approximately 7, under the supervision of a parent who was clearly not aware of the NRDNK bread reporting requirements. Parent was issued a verbal warning and provided with a copy of Pamphlet NRDNK-B2 (Bread and the Law: What Every Duck-Feeder Should Know). Kevin appeared satisfied. White Bread Logged
KV-0601 (Kevin, formerly Gary, Mallard) — Consumed a full sourdough roll, approximately 80g, discovered unattended on a park bench. Kevin acted alone. Kevin showed no remorse. This is the seventh consecutive month in which KV-0601 has self-sourced bread without civilian assistance, which has elevated his classification to Tier 3 Consumer (Self-Sufficient). Legal reviewed this entry and confirmed there is no law against finding bread on a bench. Sourdough Roll Logged — Tier 3 Notation
KV-0201 (Kevin, Mallard) — Approximately 60g of whole wheat bread received from two civilians who appeared to be on a date. The civilians photographed Kevin consuming the bread. Kevin acknowledged the camera. Field agent attempted to collect the photographs for the official record under Form NRDNK-Photo-3 but the civilians declined. This is under review. Whole Wheat Under Review
KV-0522 (Kevin, Rouen Duck) — Received one (1) small pretzel roll fragment, estimated 15g, from a tourist who misidentified Kevin as “probably not a government duck.” They were incorrect. Kevin consumed the pretzel roll. Agent Chen completed Form NRDNK-B1 (Bread Event Report) on-site. The bread was noted as stale, consistent with being purchased at the Faneuil Hall marketplace. Pretzel Roll Logged
KV-0134 (Kevin, Wood Duck) — Civilian report indicates Kevin consumed what the witness described as “a ridiculous amount of focaccia.” The specific amount was not measured. The type of focaccia (rosemary, garlic, plain) was not recorded. This report has been flagged as Plausible and assigned to a field agent for follow-up verification. Kevin has not been reached for comment. Focaccia (Unconfirmed) Pending Verification
KV-0042 (Kevin, Mallard) — Kevin consumed approximately half of a day-old everything bagel, approximately 55g, found floating near the eastern shoreline. The source of the bagel could not be determined. Kevin appeared to have been waiting for the bagel. Field agent Hoffman noted that Kevin “seemed to know it was coming” but declined to speculate further in the official record. Everything Bagel Logged
January 2026 Summary
| Kevin | Total Events | Total Bread (est.) | Most Common Type | Classification |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| KV-0042 | 4 | 185g | Sourdough | Tier 2 (Opportunistic) |
| KV-0089 | 3 | 110g | White Bread | Tier 1 (Passive) |
| KV-0134 | 2 | Unknown | Focaccia (alleged) | Tier 2 (Opportunistic) |
| KV-0201 | 5 | 240g | Whole Wheat | Tier 2 (Opportunistic) |
| KV-0522 | 2 | 65g | Pretzel-adjacent products | Tier 1 (Passive) |
| KV-0601 | 7 | 420g | Sourdough (self-sourced) | Tier 3 (Self-Sufficient) |